Young & Beautiful
by MoLez
Summary: OOC, AU. Santana and Rachel dated before the pressures of popularity and the awkwardness of high school got in the way. Now Santana just wants to continue what they had while Brittany wants to start what never was. But with Rachel getting married and Quinn building a cage around her heart will the girls get what they want? TRIGGER contains depression and self-harm. Pezberry/Quitt


_Santana's POV_

I regret it every day. I had to do it for the sake of us both but I still regret it. We began dating the summer before freshman year. Back when I would playfully bully her because I secretly enjoyed seeing her get all riled up rather than do it out of spite. I entered the relationship with a more open heart than I will ever admit to anyone and with more childish dreams of a future where we would have a perfect life than normal teenager should. No one gave us a passing glance, chalking it up to being a phase that we had to get out of the way. They said nothing to the way I turned to mush when she would smile and stare at me with those eyes. Didn't bat an eye when I got lost in them and would completely lose my grip on reality choosing to live in a space where only she and I existed. She was like something out of a book or a movie. The love interest that was highly unexpected but seemed to be the perfect fit for you.

She was the first crush that I had that actually meant something more than making my heart race because she was beautiful. She made my heart race because she was smart, had a strong will, didn't try to be like everyone else in town, and because she has had a clear vision for her success ever since we met. Of course the same thing could be said of anyone who just so much as came in contact with the diva. She just had this way of rubbing off on you whether you wanted her to or not and she definitely rubbed off on me. I remember lounging under a secluded tree one afternoon and just pouring myself out to her, leaving everything out in the open for her to settle in, touch and become accustomed to. It was easier, then, to express how I actually felt without being pushed because no one had an agenda. No one was trying to get ahead. There were no popularity poles to climb like monkeys on a vine. We were all as truthful with ourselves as adolescence would allow us to be and I miss that. All I really have to remember the time that we were together is a few conversations about how we would be the "it" couple of McKinley High and how we would change this town completely. How we would overcome this small town together and what the future would hold. Those were the moments I knew that we had a special bond. When I would be lost in an over-the-phone description of New York for over 20 minutes and my heart would race because I wanted to experience it in real life just the way she described it.

I would go off with her and hang from trees while she sang her heart out as she lay in the grass staring up at me. We would hide in the back of movie theaters and steal cute kisses more often than the on screen couples because what they had was nowhere near as special as what we had, we were sure of it. Everything was going smoothly and there was no doubt in my mind that we were going to be one of those couples that possibly weren't always dating, but we would always find our way back to each other. There were no delusions about us being a solid thing entirely through high school because that was something that we couldn't change or plan for. We would both change over the years but I believed we would eventually make our way back to each other to finish our odd and budding relationship that shouldn't have worked so well to begin with, but did anyway. That's how I saw things happening, but life had other plans.

We didn't even make it through the first month of freshman year. She was always the target of the bullies in school because she dressed differently, talked funny, and had two gay dads so when they walked through the doors of the school on the first day red flags began shooting up quickly. No one dared say a word about it to my face for fear of some Snix smack down, but the appointed popular powers of McKinley made sure to let her know that they did not approve. Suddenly days where we would just sing and talk turned into hours of me holding her while she cried into my shoulder in complete shock that humans could be so ruthless and use words that cut so deeply. Slowly put all too quick I found myself falling victim to the chatter. The barrage of comments that were underhandedly being thrown my way began to seep into my mind and poison my thoughts. Things that didn't matter to me before were the only things I cared about all of a sudden and she was just in the way of those things. Now comforting her and being there as I should have been was becoming a burden and shameful. What was the point of this relationship if it would just be a burden to me and cause emotional damage to her? In retrospect that was a stupid thread of thoughts because I left her in this world without a shoulder to lean on when things got rough and I'll be damned if they didn't. However, at the time I thought I was doing the best thing for both of us so that we could go our separate ways until it was time for us to meet again. I was still certain that we would, this was just one of those little things that we said could get in the way of things. But then that little thing turned into a big thing when I was being pressured into bullying everyone outside of the circle and sleeping with every guy within it to build this reputation that I hate. She fell outside the circle, way out in the outskirts of the circle, so she was one of its biggest targets naturally. She was so far from normal, so weird to this town, she was almost popular for being unpopular. The names I came up with and the specific way I taught everyone to put her down were far too personal for them not to hurt and for her not to know that I was behind every single one.

I found brief solace in Puck and then Brittany who each found themselves settled into a special place in my heart, but I knew that I was just trying to fill a hole in my life that neither one of them fit. Besides, Brittany had her eyes on a different prize and I couldn't keep her from claiming it when the opportunity came. Brittany and I did bond to a level that was the closest to what I was trying to replace. We were both just trying to find solace in the fact that we couldn't have who we wanted and became intimate on that level. It was nice for a while, but became a bitter reminder of what we lost or never had so we ended it mutually.

I regret ever having ended that relationship that never grew into what it should have because it was something that I never experienced before. I didn't have to try with her and she was more relaxed with me. I was who I was with her and vice versa, we were natural. We were more than a short fling or phase and she meant more to me than a summer love or school crush. I knew she was forgiving but never tried my luck with how much. No matter how much that 14 year old girl inside me yelled and screamed for me to go to her and make things right and as they should be, the 18 year old girl I am now told me she could never forgive me for the horrible way I abandoned her in this city we were supposed to conquer together. How I left her defenseless in this town that chewed its youth when they didn't know much about anything, then spit them out as bitter adults hating things they were told to in the blink of an eye. That kept the 14 year old girl at bay and now I'm watching her show off the ring Finn used to propose to her.

It wasn't enough for me to drive her away, I had to drive her into the arms of Boy Wonder. They were an on-and-off couple that everyone hated but still thought were perfect. It infuriated me because Finn was in the position that I should have occupied. Maybe not the fiancé position because that was just insane given both his and my own circumstances with the girl. We all had a way of hurting her no matter how we felt about her, whether she was our reason to breathe or our biggest headache we always seemed to make her the victim of something. That aside she and I were endgame, not them and I'd like to think that deep down she knew that. It was in the way her smile faltered for the slightest second and the way her eyes fluttered like she had just been broken out of a trance when she saw me. That's what made me think that she still thought of the conversations about nothing that meant everything to us. Her heart still skipped a beat when she thought of our first kiss and the first time I told her how beautiful she is to me. Small things that no one else seemed to notice. But they were too small and fleeting to make the lump in the back of my throat go disappear. I knew that she ultimately moved on from me a long time ago because she looked at Finn like he was everything in the world and I was nonexistent compared to that. You do eventually move on from your first love, and she had done so a long time ago.

"You can't be serious." Quinn scoffed in disbelief.

"Yeah, we are serious Quinn. We love each other and I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with her if she'll have me." Finn replied with that dopey grin as he made doe-eyes with Rachel.

"Of course I will." She whispered and planted a lingering kiss on his lips.

"You guys are way too young to get married!" Quinn stated, being the mouthpiece of the room for the moment.

"We aren't talking about anything immediate, we were planning on doing it a few months after graduation." Rachel explained cheerily and it made me sick to my stomach. She was going to compromise everything she worked for so far just to get married to a guy who couldn't even be straightforward with her about almost anything. Someone who didn't even know of the miracle of her existence before Mr. Shue forced him to join New Directions. I'm sure he thought he deserved her, but he was just possibly the luckiest guy on the face of the planet right now. The only reason he was in the position he was in was because of my stupid mistake.

"That doesn't make this any better." Quinn was becoming angry. She had kind of become Rachel's guardian angel over the years and I was thankful for it because she needed one and since I was too big of a coward to be there for her myself it made me happy to see one of my closest friends be there.

"Look, this really has nothing to do with you guys, we just thought it would be appropriate to let you know." Rachel replied in that way she did when she was upset with what she was hearing. She was smart enough to know that getting married straight out of high school was a terrible idea.

"Maybe Quinn is right guys, you're so young. You have your whole lives ahead of you to get married." Mr. Shue weakly tried from his seat in the front row.

"I mean look at his marriage with Terry. They got married almost immediately after high school and we all know how that ended." I added as sarcastically as I could muster.

"Babygate." Someone coughed under their breath.

"There are plenty of successful couples that have been married since they graduated high school." Rachel tried.

"And I can guarantee that you won't be one of them." I added with a tone of finality that was much harsher than I intended. The silence in the room pressed against my eardrums as they everyone waited for Rachel to say something. She just stared at me like she wanted to give me a piece of her mind. Like she wanted to tell me I was wrong and then rub her love for Finn in my face by getting married and having a family and then grandchildren. I waited for her to put me in my place in regards to what I did and did not know about her and her relationships (which wasn't much) in silence with everyone else, but it never came. She exhaled and shook her head before taking her seat in the front row, head on Finn Hudson's shoulder.

The usual bickering over solos and songs for Regionals ensued afterward and practice passed as it usually did. Mr. Shue released us and everyone including him rushed out to the parking lot, dying to be home already on a Friday. I was the only one left in the choir room and I felt relief. I could let myself sink into my emotions without fear of ridicule and questions. I picked up one of the acoustic guitars and sat in the front row and began to play.

(_italics=singing_)

_Give me love like her_

_Cause lately I've been waking up alone_

_Pain splattered teardrops on my shirt_

_Told you I'd let them go_

_And that I'll fight my corner_

_Maybe tonight I'll call ya_

_After my blood turns into alcohol_

_No, I just wanna hold ya_

It was completely selfish of me to think that I deserved to have the love of her. It was stupid that I still let the little taste of her that I actually did experience still affect me so much when she obviously didn't care much to remember. I just couldn't help but feel like my world was collapsing. There was really no hope of us ever coming together again.

_Give a little time to me to burn this out_

_We'll play hide and seek to turn this around_

_All I want is the taste that your lips allow_

_My-my, my-my, oh give me love_

_My-my, my-my, oh give me love_

_My-my, my-my, oh give me love_

_My-my, my-my, oh give me love_

_My-my, my-my, give me love_

If I was being completely honest I gave up on every fully reconciling with her. We never spoke about anything that went on from freshman year because here in these halls that didn't count. None of yours peers were popular enough then to have anything worth talking about, we were the bottom just starting out. Freshman year is nonexistent and I guess for her sanity's sake Rachel wanted to keep it that way. But I wanted to be strong enough to talk about it with her and maybe bring back some of the memories.

_Give me love like never before_

_Cause lately I've been craving more_

_And it's been a while but I still feel the same_

_Maybe I should let you go_

_You know I'll fight my corner_

_And that tonight I'll call ya_

_After my blood is drowning in alcohol_

_No, I just wanna hold ya_

The redundancy of what my life is now is so pathetic. Every time I thought that I could fix things completely I took one look around and all I saw was hatred. Kurt transferred schools at one point because things here are so awful for anyone that's different. You never knew when you could be physically attacked when you walked down the halls and that was terrifying. So terrifying that I would lose myself and my confidence somewhere in a bottle of tequila. I was too much of a coward to ever come out to this school. I was afraid to be vulnerable in this school.

_Give a little time to me to burn this out_

_We'll play hide and seek to turn this around_

_All I want is the taste that your lips allow_

_My-my, my-my, oh give me love_

_My-my, my-my, oh give me love_

_My-my, my-my, oh give me love_

_My-my, my-my, oh give me love_

_My-my, my-my, give me love_

There wasn't enough time in the world for me to build my courage and fix things. And I hate that she could make me feel this way because I don't do this. This overly emotional "the world will end without you in it" type thing. At least not for just anyone. Of course Rachel wasn't just anyone and I would be a fool to ever think she was. She was like a goddess among men and because everyone here already had a god that they prayed to they overlooked her or they disproved her with harsh insults and words and I hate myself for being one of those people, for still being one of them sometimes.

I forgot the rest of the words and got lost in the strings that brought images of a beautiful smile that looked strong even when it faltered. The way her eyes would tell the truth when her words lied to our faces. And how she would tell us all to be strong and overcome our differences and circumstances even though if nothing had changed since the last night I spent comforting her she broke every night and just put a clear bag over the bleeding wound hoping someone would notice that she isn't really healing. Every rant, run-on sentence, and song she belted out were her ways of telling the world she was still bleeding. There was so much beauty in that. In the fact that she had a reason behind everything she did no matter how insignificant and annoying anyone else found it. But if anyone disagreed with that then there was undeniable beauty in the way that she could find something worth saving in anybody because she didn't want anyone to feel the way she does.

"Son of a bitch!" I exclaimed as a string of the guitar snapped and whipped my hand. It stung and caused a distraction from my thoughts and an excuse for my tears.

"I'm sorry, San." The soft voice of Brittany called from the door.

I turned from placing the guitar back and saw the innocent look on her face. "Don't worry about it. I'll get over it like everything else." Lie number one.

She gave me a strained attempt at a smile that ultimately failed before she replied, "I know." Lie number two. Brittany knew better than anyone else how I felt about Rachel and how much I actually thought about my situation. She knew that it took more than the sting of a broken string to bring tears to my eyes. It took a girl I was too selfish to keep falling madly in love with someone else.


End file.
